I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize