3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Randomize
