I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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