dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
