He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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