totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
