My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
