tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
