Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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