Her vagina should come with caution tape.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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