Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
