The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Your cock deserves a montage
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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