Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
