Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize