my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
