The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
