I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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