Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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