...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
