I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
