How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
