I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
