I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
