Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
