Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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