I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
