and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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