I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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