we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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