If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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