What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
