You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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