I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
