Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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