if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
