Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
