Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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