Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
