During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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