i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
