I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
