I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
