I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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