I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
