What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
