Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
