The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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