In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
whose parrot is this?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
