Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
