I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
