Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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