i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
i black out too much to be "responsible"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize