I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
