I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
