she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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