I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
where are you?
Hypothermia
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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