She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
