For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
