new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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