Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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