i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
