I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
