Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
