You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
