Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
